I want to write about life's tough decisions. Dreams and disappointments. I think I have discovered a secret... they come in every stage and situation in life. I want to write about the power of prayer. I know God knows us; He knows our desires, our doubts, our problems and He totally and completely wants our happiness.
We have been trying to have another baby for a year now. I love to have goals and make plans. This year I envisioned us having another baby. That hasn't happened. As Peter and I have talked and prayed together we feel that the timing is not now. It may happen in a couple months or a couple years, but we feel that, someday, more children will be in our home.
I felt that I needed something else to focus on. I wanted to put my energy into something besides looking at the calendar each month.
Very recently, an amazing opportunity fell into my lap. In the course of a few days I discovered, applied for, and was accepted into a great post-baccalaureate program to advance my education and career. It's close to where I live. The majority of it would be funded for me. I felt like a great answer to my prayers had come at last. The timing seemed to worked out perfectly with everything else we have going on in our family. Peter and I discussed pros and cons and decided we would go forward with this plan. I was so excited! I could see the next two years stretched out before me. I had a plan. I had a goal. I had things I could check off my list. Somewhere in there were some feelings of doubt, but I couldn't place them.
I was reading a book last week about child development and parenting. It talked about how important it was to create a good home environment for your children. To be present and to just play with them. After reading this book I was talking to Pete. After reading this book I began to think of the time commitment this program might take away from Charles. I was wavering. I decided I would wait until mid-September to decide. Peter said he would support me whatever I decided.
Peter came home from work today. We chatted and he horsed around with Charles. Then he quickly drove over to the school district office to drop off some paperwork. Charles was in the living room playing as we waved goodbye to Peter. I thought to myself, "Pete will be back soon... I'll start dinner while he is gone so it will be almost done by the time he gets back." Then I had the thought to look over at Charles. I felt prompted that instead of making dinner, I should sit down and play with Charles. No distractions, no stress. Just play time. It wasn't long before Peter was home. I then let Charles and Peter play together while I made dinner.
Later tonight we had Family Home Evening. Every week we try to talk about what may come up that week; schedule and events, bills, etc. We also usually try to talk about our relationship and how we can improve. We try to have a spiritual discussion. I shared the experience I had with Charles. I was happy I had chosen to just play with Charles. Dinner was still made, and I had a great experience with our son.
As I was talking, a lightbulb came on and I started to tear up. The great thing about life is, that we have almost limitless choices. There are good choices, there are better choices... then there are best choices.
Making dinner was a very good choice. It's cheaper and healthier than going out to eat. Having a routine of family dinner is very beneficial. And we need to eat! But in that moment, playing with Charles was more important. I simply had to wait a few more minutes, and then I could go make dinner.
I had made my decision. Getting further education is a very important and wise choice. But right now I have Charles at home. I want to be present for him. Being his mom is my job and is the most important work I can do. I'm so grateful Heavenly Father trusted me with his sweet spirit. I'm so grateful to be his mother. This is the better part.
I felt so much peace. I don't want to be pulled too many different directions. I needed to scale back and find balance for my time again. This program can wait.
I am spacing it out. I am still taking an online class this quarter. And I am taking one class next quarter. This translates to only a couple hours a week for me, which is very doable. Instead of a two-year process, this has become perhaps a five-year process. I'm grateful I can spread it out over that time. And if at any point I find it is taking away from my parenting, I can choose to change my plan. I won't get these young days and years with Charles back.
I recently read Anne of Green Gables for the first time. It's a classic, I know. I can't believe it has taken me this long to read it. In it, Anne gives up a great scholarship and opportunity last minute to stay home and take care of her elderly adopted mother. I couldn't foresee how applicable it would be to my own situation. I love what she says: "my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I’m going to believe that the best does."
A year ago, I thought I would have another baby by now. A month ago, I thought I would be starting this program. I don't know all that life has in store for me, but I'm glad I have the soundboard of my best friend Pete to bounce things off of. I'm glad I have Charles to brighten my days. I'm glad I can continually turn to God in prayer as I navigate this road.
